The Things I Wish I Could Remember

Emotionally, I am exhausted. Being home alone with 2 boys 2 and under is exhausting.  Ruger is making milestones faster than I can count.  Clark is missing them and it makes me sad he will come home to a more advanced baby.  Yet, I sit here with a heavy heart writing this.  I feel guilt.  The kind of guilt a mom who has dealt with colic understands.  The guilt of not remembering anything that your baby did up until the colic disappeared.  I cannot remember anything from the time Anson was born until he was about 6 months old.  I rely heavily on the pictures and videos.  All I remember was the crying.  The ear piercing, shattering screams of my poor newborn and we had no idea what was wrong with him.  We thought we had made the worst decision of our lives having a baby.

While I sit here at 11:30 p.m., waiting for Ruger to settle, exhausted from a long day and quite honestly, a long week... I feel guilty.  I am soaking in and absorbing all of Ruger's accomplishments.  He pushed up on full arms extended right before his last bottle (right now).  While I felt excited for the coo's and ooh's back at me for the excitement, I felt guilt.  Again, I felt all of the guilt rushing to me.

Anson is quietly sleeping in his room and all I wanted to do was go grab him out of the bed and hold him.  I missed my first born's first 6 months completely.  Yes, I was recovering from my complications, but I don't remember much.  I remember the bad... and the bad only.  I remember the traumatic feeling I had looking at him thinking I wanted nothing to do with him.  I remember feeling shame that my baby was "broken".  I felt guilty for feeling so ungrateful.

As I watch Ruger grow, I try and remember desperately what Anson did.  I try to find that photo of him doing something similar.  I try and remember the good.  I try and remember what it was like having him when he had moments of quiet, but I just cannot.  Anson was a hard baby and while he is in the testing stages of his life now, I know in my heart he has made me more patient and a better mom.

I am not the most motherly, I know that.  I am not the most patient, I know that.  I am not the most stable when it comes to chaos, I know that.  But, I know in my heart that I need to take every moment with Anson that I can and grow the memories that will last a lifetime.  I will cherish every crappy moment and every amazing moment.

My boys will continue to make my heart grow and that guilt will eventually fade.  But for now, I cherish the guilt as it makes me want to be a better mother.  It opens my eyes to the fact that if things don't go right, there is always another chance.  There is more time.  There is more love that can be given.

And now, Ruger has settled... so I am off to bed :)

The Birth of Baby Ruger John Ostrander! Our VBAC Success Story

Let me take you back to some history with Anson on why we chose our VBAC journey.  On October 20, 2014 I was admitted to the hospital for an induction with Anson.  My OB at the time thought he was too big for me to pass vaginally and this was the "best chance for me" so we agreed. I had spent about an hour on the phone with my girlfriend Katie and she kept telling me, don't induce, don't induce.  Boy, if I had listened to her, this post might be a little different.  But, I figured my doctor has to know what she is doing.  I was 38 weeks and over the moon to see our first born.  Unfortunately, things didn't go as planned and I wound up needing an "emergency cesarean".  Anson and I were both stable, but I was told that I had reached 10cm and Anson was stuck.  So, the only option we had was an emergency c-section.  Anson was born on October 21, 2014 at 6:46 a.m. at 9lbs 10 oz and 21 1/4".


10 days later on Halloween, I was readmitted to the hospital with severe sepsis. I had a uterus infection, kidney infection, staph infection, e coli and massive clotting. I was put on a week schedule of 3 rotating antibiotics every 2 hours until discharge and then sent home with 2 weeks more of antibiotics. My body was shot and I felt horrible.

Flash forward a year and my OB said I could never have kids again due to my complications. Clark and I were very unhappy about that... we couldn't help but thing, what really happened in the operating room. I was in constant pain and my periods were so heavy I couldn't help but feel "this is my life forever now"? The pity party was real. My OB said it's normal to feel that way up to 4-5 years post partum. Well, I didn't like that answer, so, I switched OBs.

I started my journey with a new OB and he was great. He ran an extensive amount of tests to see why I was having so much pain. I had the ink test in my tubes to see if there was a blockage and then thrown on clomid so he could see what my body was doing during ovulation (my most painful week of the month). Well, whatever he did... cleared up any blockage causing us to not get pregnant again. He had wanted to schedule a surgery for me to clean out all the stuff the complications had created, but called me with news that we were expecting again. We could not believe it. I think I peed on so many sticks because we could not believe it. How could one OB tell us we would never get pregnant and another OB get us pregnant unintentionally? I was told that when I have my repeat csection I'd have everything "fixed" internally. I thought that'd be a wonderful choice.

Besides telling our family, the first person I told was one of my closest girlfriends, Katie. Well, I told her by sending her an email! She is an amazing birth photographer, so I sent her an inquiry for pricing (you can see her work here)! Ha! I thought it was clever! She asked me what my plan was. I said, have a repeat csection of course. I said isn't that the only way to go? I could hear the disheartened tone in her voice and I'll never forget what she said "Krista, you have options". At first I thought, no way... they say how incredibly unsafe it is for someone to have a vaginal birth after a csection. Why? Well, I didn't have an answer other than the fact of... well that is what doctors say. We kind of left it at that. Katie knows me well enough to know I'll make up my mind for myself and it gave me time to think.

If you had asked me if I'd have a repeat csection, I'd say yes in a heartbeat. I figured, why would I go through the trial of labor again when it was so unsuccessful the first time? But, I was very scared.  I was excited we were pregnant, but scared to deliver another baby by csection and have the same complications as with Anson.  I knew plenty of people who had csections who had fantastic recoveries, but the trauma I faced is a lot different than a "routine" csection.  So, I started my journey into my VBAC.  I asked Katie COUNTLESS questions that she took the time and patience to direct me into the right direction.  I bought multiple books, read countless (100s) stories that were about successful VBACs, etc.

I asked my OB at the time if I could have a VBAC and at first he said yes without hesitation.  I had to get my report from my 1st birth to confirm it wasn't a medical need for an induction/csection.  I spent countless hours trying to obtain it from my old OBs office to finally have had to go the hospital to get it.  I received the report and thought, maybe I should read this.  I read it with tears of anger streaming down my face.  It said I had only gotten to 8cm (when my doctor had said I was 10 cm and had me pushing on and off for 3 hours) and that I had "elected for birth by cesarean".  UM NO.  WHAT?!  Who would spend 20 hours in labor to elect for a csection?  Not me!  I went into my birth with Anson thinking (dumbly) I would NEVER have a csection.  If I thought it, it meant it wouldn't happen.  I never researched anything for csections and I should have.  After reading my report I was 100x more inclined to have a VBAC.  I felt cheated out of my birth.  The emotions I felt were anger, frustration, sadness, resentment, etc.

My OB read the report and said that I could still VBAC if I was the perfect patient.  He told me that time is money and it isn't worth the cost to time.  VBACs at Los Robles, the doctor needs to be with you during your whole labor.  That could mean 2-72 hours!  He wouldn't be able to leave... which at that point, my VBAC with him started to slip through the cracks.  After 2 months of going back and forth saying I could have one, to you have a 65% chance of having one... it wasn't good enough.  I called Katie and asked her what she would do.  She told me I need to start looking for another doctor who is 100% on board or a midwife/birthing center who would fully honor my requests as the patient.  I had posted on the Moms of Camarillo about VBACs and who had great success stories and that is how I found Robyn.  She had responded to my post and from that first meeting out, I knew that this is what I had wanted.  Robyn had sent me back to my OBs office with a few questions to ask him.

1. Is there a medical reason you won't VBAC me? The response was, no there is not a medical reason, you are totally capable with a VBAC and if you want one that badly, a birth at home or birthing center would be good for you.
2. If there is not, what is the reason? The reason is the time to money with the medical malpractice insurance.
3. If I need an emergency csection, will you perform it? Absolutely.

His honesty was refreshing, but it did still make me frustrated that was how it went down. I scheduled my next appointment with Robyn and the real work began.

A few weeks later, I went down to celebrate Katie's birthday in Arizona and we talked countless hours about birth and just catching up.  She had also set me up with an AMAZING doula in Arizona to give me the lowdown on all the VBAC facts!  If you are in Arizona, check out Jenni Froment at Wisdom of Birth.  We clicked instantly and Katie sat through the whole 3 hour time with me as my "spouse" since Clark was home with Anson.  From that day forward, I knew in my heart and soul that THIS is what I am meant to do.  I never got rid of the thought of a csection because the inevitable happens.

Flash forward a few months and I hired Kati McBride (who is local to our area in Ventura County) as my doula thanks to my girlfriend's recommendation.  Clark and I had both sat down with Robyn at her birthing center and signed her contract as well.  I used Dr. Alyssa Woodall for my chiropractic needs (who is amazing)!  Our birth team was complete, or so I thought.  A few months later I had hired our birth photographer, Meghan Schade!  My pregnancy had gone by so quickly, I forgot to follow up with her and she had sent me an email asking me if I had still wanted the birth photography and I was incredibly lucky that she had still be willing to do it with such last minute notice.

I spent countless hours hypnobirthing and trying to rid any fears I had of my VBAC.  My VBAC was unmedicated and all natural. I spent countless hours preparing myself mentally.  I was nervous that it would be a pain med free birth.  I remember how I felt when my OB popped my water and the contractions how strong and hard they came on and I wasn't sure if I'd be strong enough to handle them.  Jenni, Katie, Kati, and Robyn said it is ALL mental.  If you clear your head of the fear of "what if's" and let your body do it's thing you will be fine.  I kept having to remind myself, it will only last a minute.  Then you will have a break.  I ate 6 dates a day for 5 weeks to help induce me naturally.  I went to my chiropractor often to make sure my body was in alignment.  I did a lot of work to prepare for this VBAC. 

Well, I spent 3 weeks in prodromal labor.  My contractions would start around 7pm to 2am and it felt like I was ABOUT to start labor every single time.  The worst part was that I felt like I was crying wolf.  It wasn't like a hospital birth.  I had to alert Robyn, Kati and Meghan each time I thought that something was going on because they were on call for me.  I had my membranes sweeped 3 times to see if we could get real labor contractions going.  My body was just saying, it's not time.  I remember talking to Jenni in tears almost saying, WHY does this have to be happening.  I felt so mentally and physically exhausted and an emotional wreck with it messing with my mind. Luckily, I had my Hypnobabies Pregnancy & Birth and VBAC Success tracks to calm me down. I had to keep reminding myself that the more I stay calm and in the moment, the better off I would be.

I spent a lot of time talking to my birth team.  I did have some self doubts around the 3 week mark of the prodromal labor.  I kept thinking, can my body really do this?  Did I set myself up for failure?  Why is this happening?  Well, Kati and Jenni both told me, my body is gearing itself up for labor.  It's progress, slow, but progress.  Shortly after the 2nd sweep, I lost my mucus plug.  Then, I started having the bloody show.  I was 4-5cm dilated with a soft cervix and Ruger was at 0 station.  I kept thinking... this is NEVER going to end.  I didn't believe them until my labor hit.

I worked up to my 39w3d mark.  After that, I went onto leave. MY WHOLE BIRTH TEAM told me I needed to start resting.  I was getting adjusted by my chiropractor 3x a week which did really help the pain as well and helped my body relax.  So, after a night of what we thought was real labor, pure exhaustion and still having contractions Clark took off work to be with me.  We went to breakfast and a movie to see if I could "ignore" the pain of the contractions.  Well, halfway through the movie, they stopped completely.

On Sunday night, Robyn had told me to relax and try and get some sleep since my sleep had been hit or miss due to the prodromal labor.  I popped a unisom and went to bed around 10 p.m.  On March 6, 2017, I woke up at midnight with an INSANE amount of low back pain.  2 minutes later, Anson woke up screaming.  Clark went in to check on him and quietted him back up.  I had texted Kati first telling her, my back is absolutely killing me... I think I am in labor, should I call Robyn?  She told me I know my body best and if I felt like I was in labor to call and let her know what Robyn said.  I called Robyn about 30 minutes after my low back pain had started and my contractions were 2-4 minutes apart lasting 45 seconds to a minute.  I asked her are 10 contractions in 30 minutes normal?  She said, roll on in and we can check you out.  So, I called Meghan back first, since she was like us she was the farthest from the birth center, and told her I was going in.  At first, I told her to wait to hear what Robyn said so I didn't make her drive out there for nothing and she said she would just meet us there asap because she didn't want to miss my labor in case things started happening quickly.  I had texted Kati telling her I was going in and she told me she'd meet me there at 1 a.m.

The car ride sucked.  For 30 minutes in the car, I felt like I was going to die... I couldn't get upbeat music playing to keep my mind off of the contractions and I kept yelling at Clark to hurry up!  Poor guy!  I snapped at him a few times because I thought I would break off my door handle from clutching it so hard and he was "interrupting my thought process".  We finally got there and I could tell... THIS WAS IT.  My whole birth team was there and I couldn't feel more confident in myself.

Robyn checked me and I was 5-6 cm dilated.  She said, this is it and to get ready.

I won't lie... my whole process was a BLUR.  It went by so quickly.  I remember getting undressed into my undies and cami and having to pee like it was going out of style.  I remember sitting on the birth ball and Kati rubbing my back.  I remember Robyn asking me if I wanted to hop into the tub.  I said yes.  The tub was amazing.  It was so warm and it did really help my pain.  I remember having to kneel every time I had a contraction and in  my head, I was screaming bloody murder but Clark had said I was really quiet with just the moaning/groaning to get me through my contractions.  Between Clark and Kati constantly putting pressure on my back, and holding me, it really helped.  4 hours went by and I am pretty sure I spent most of them in the tub.  I remember Clark telling me, you are going to be so pruney when you get out.  Thanks babe... I remember going through my transition phase in the tub with what felt like no break in my contractions and they never seemed to end.  I know for a fact the thought of a csection crossed my mind once or twice during the transition phase.

I remember the 2nd midwife coming in, Melissa.  I couldn't help but think... Did Robyn check me in the tub?  I don't remember.  I remember her telling me she calls her 2nd midwife when I am between 9-10 cm.  Robyn then came over and asked me if I wanted to be checked.  I said yes.  I got out of the tub and went over to the bed.  She said, your cervix is gone.  By then, I was partially delusional and remember saying "is that a bad thing?" She said it was really good, but my bag of waters was really there and she wanted it to pop on it's own.  She had me go over to the bathroom to sit on the toilet to see if gravity would work.  I was hopeful my water would break naturally, but after 20-30 minutes it felt like nothing was progressing and I asked her to break my water.

Robyn did and said it was a great decision for us to make... I was ready to start pushing.  I could immediately feel the difference after my water broke.  I remember pushing at first and couldn't help but feel like "this is going no where" and "I am so exhausted already".  I had to really be in tune with the hypnobirthing process that I spent months preparing with. I remember getting on hands and knees, on my side, and finally on my back.  Robyn had Kati and Clark hold each of my legs to push.  I kept getting charlie horses in my calves all the way up to my hip on my right leg.  Kati was constantly massaging out the kinks.  I asked how much longer sometime in between then.  I felt like I had gone through a triathlon and didn't have any more energy in me. Robyn had said the average pushing time for first time moms was about 3 hours. I asked how long I had been pushing and she said a little over an hour.  Something in me clicked.  I could NOT keep pushing for 2 more hours.  I felt the affirmations rising in me. My body felt shot and I didn't want this to be a failed VBAC attempt. I started pushing during my next contraction and I remember thinking "Am I breathing?"  I couldn't tell if I was or not.  Shortly after, I remember Robyn saying his head is right there.  One more good push.  Well, one more good push turned into about 10-12 pushes!  But, it gave me enough time to stretch out!  Robyn had asked me multiple times if I wanted to see or touch Ruger, but the only thing I could think of was... that is too much energy to look or even reach to touch.  Robyn then told me, one more big push and my little man came through.  She told me to slow down because the cord was loosely around Ruger's neck (from what Clark said) so she could pull off the cord and then out he came!  What an experience!  I remember just thinking, WE DID IT!!  Clark kept telling me "you did it" but I kept correcting him.  I would have never been able to do this without the support of everyone who was apart of my birth team and my friends and family.  I had a lot of naysayer's who were constantly putting bad thoughts into my head saying "you can't do it" or "I think the doctor is smarter than you are", etc.  Well, I did it... we did it!

Ruger was being worked on and I couldn't even cry I was so exhausted but I couldn't help but feel a beam of excitement knowing that our baby boy had entered into the world.  I looked at Clark and he was crying.  He was crying for the both of us.  The feeling of accomplishment and the fact that I could do it naturally gave me a sense of pride I have never felt.  I remember Robyn and Melissa saying Ruger had to have been over 10 lbs and to our surprise he was 9lbs 14 oz and 22" long.  He was larger than Anson and I had him vaginally.  I was able to pass that large of a baby without any issues.

I've read that a VBAC is incredibly healing.  I didn't feel incredibly healed.  Anson's and Ruger's briths were both very different.  What I take from Anson's is the strength it gave me to try for Ruger's VBAC.  It gave me the strength to educate myself.  It gave me the strength to persevere when everyone said I couldn't do it.  It gave me the strength to find my own voice.  It gave me a choice. A choice I never thought would be possible.

For anyone looking for an amazing birth team in Ventura County, California, they are as follows (you can click their names)

Robyn Pool, my midwife, and her amazing birth center, PUSH Midwifery

Kati McBride, my doula

Meghan Schade, my photographer

Dr. Alyssa Woodall, my chiropractor, whom I spent 2-3 times weekly at her office making sure my body was in proper alignment.

For my friends in Arizona and are looking for an amazing photographer and doula, they are as follows:

Katie Mathis, Katie Mathis Photography

Jenni Froment at Wisdom of Birth, doula

Close to the End

It's hard to believe that on Monday, I will be 37 weeks. It has been an incredibly fast pregnancy and pretty easy compared to Anson's. While I have headaches, hip and back pain... overall, I am feeling pretty darn good this time around. I have gained 32 pounds this time around (which sure beats 80 pounds) and overall less bloating.

I am so much closer to my VBAC and my nerves are starting to kick in. Will I know when I am in labor? Without any pain management, am I going to be okay? While, I have educated myself A LOT this time around, I still am a little nervous and excited since I have never been through this before. I was induced with Anson before I had even started labor and had an epidural right after my water broke. The most pain I felt was from my left side not being affected by the epidural and got a shot to help my shaking. I honestly had more pain after due to my complications from what I can remember.

I was looking back at all of the blog posts I had written about Anson and it made me incredibly sad to see that I was so detailed with our doctor's appointments, measurements, etc... and Ruger only has 1 post before this. When I went to look back at Anson's sizing, I realized... this is where I go to look back and see how big he was, what his status was, etc.

I went to my ultrasound on Tuesday and Ruger was weighing in at 7lbs 1oz and 37 weeks and 3 days. I am currently 36 weeks and 4 days (so about a week bigger). I am excited to meet him. I can't wait to see what he looks like. I am nervous to see how Anson reacts to him. He will have that infamous only child syndrome taken away. I am nervous about his tantrums and fits because he isn't being solely focused on. So much I am worrying more about Anson than I am about my own birth. That is normal, right?!

I plan on blogging every week until this little man is born. While I couldn't keep up the first 36 months... I promise to be faithful in keeping up the last few weeks my love.

Baby O # 2 :)

I'm back!

The last 2 years have been tough.  Between finding myself as a person again (which I am still working on) to balancing life as we know it with work and family, we are welcoming another baby BOY into the world on March 7th (my due date).

I've been pushed by friends and Clark to start the blog back up.  While I don't have much time these days, I really didn't want too.  Clark said it was "only fair to the second baby" for me to continue to write about my experience with my second pregnancy. So, here we are, 21 weeks into this pregnancy (oops!) and starting up the blog again!

I totally understand the 1st child v. 2nd child.  The excitement from the 1st child really is overwhelming and you want to share it with the world.  The 2nd child, I just want to be a recluse and not post anything or do anything for that matter since most of my time is either working or chasing around Anson!  It is exhausting and there isn't much time in the day to sit down and write.

I am officially 1/2 of the way done with this pregnancy and boy has it flown by and I have had a hell of the first trimester and glad that the second trimester is easier on me.  Around Week 8, everything I would eat, I would vomit. There was a lot of massive headaches and vomiting. I can only imagine the amount of cavities I will be getting during this pregnancy! I've had three really bad symptoms I didn't have with Anson:

1. Vomitting
2. Severe Headaches
3. Pure Exhaustion

A little backstory to our Baby #2!

I had severe complications, as most of you can remember, and was told it would be pretty impossible for us to have another baby.  I had come to terms with the fact that we'd have an only child.  In return, I had switched to a new OBGYN and he was trying to find the root of all of my symptoms and problems after having Anson.  I had excess bleeding, excess scar tissue and a LOT of pain all the time.  He had sent me to an HSG test to see if there were any cysts, polyps, blockage, etc. and threw me back on Clomid (which was unsuccessful before) to see if I had severe inflammation during my ovulation and to see if there was any other indication of what could be wrong.  Well, after doing those two tests, we are now pregnant!  Go figure!

I hate to say it, but I trusted my old OB completely and time and time again, she had let me down.  My current OB said it is a 1 out of 1 million case where someone gets 4 infections and massive blood clotting after a c-section.  So, the one person I trusted who was supposed to deliver my child safely and continue to care for me, almost killed me and continued to tell me false things about being infertile, etc. It has really  made me question myself and the trust I have in all doctors.  My OB now is fabulous, I trust him and he is very blunt with me. But, I will also be learning and researching for my own good.  I don't want to be left in the dark this time around.

BUT, here's the kicker, we decided to go the midwife route.  My current OB told me that the only way I could VBAC is that if he were there the whole time with me and his time is more important than the payout in the end.  Well, the money isn't an issue.  I want a VBAC and I am going to have a VBAC!  He even mentioned that midwives can do it without a problem but he is bound by the laws of California. So, we are going with PUSH Midwifery and Robyn Pool is my midwife!  We are so excited for this journey and Clark is 100% on board! Below are some pictures (that don't do it justice) It is a gorgeous birthing suite!  You can find her information on http://www.pushmidwifery.com/

Complications from my C-Section

Well, this post is one I have been procrastinating on writing as well as trying to block most of it from my memory.  Since it isn't as fresh in my mind, it won't be as accurate timeline I am sure!

So, the whole week I was home from the hospital after we were discharged, I was in a lot of pain.  Since I was discharged and told everything looked okay, I just figured the c-section pain was unbearable to start and overtime got better.  I was having a horrific time just bending over to change Anson and getting very frustrated with myself that I was having so many issues.

Well, Wednesday night rolled around and I had a horrific fever starting at 101.4 degrees.  I had the worst chills and I was bundled up in clothes and a blanket.  In return, Clark gave me an Ibuprofen and the chills and fever started going away.  I figured maybe, I was overdoing it and just over exhausted.  Thursday rolls around and the SAME thing happened with the chills and fever around 2:00 p.m.  It lasted until after 5:00 p.m.  I called Dr. Barnes and she insisted that unless my fever got worse, to go to the hospital.  She then called me back and instructed me to go to the hospital.  So, around 7:00 p.m., Clark and I called his mom to see if she would watch Anson while we went to the ER.

Well, we got to the ER by around 8:00 p.m.  They did a lot of blood work, which was extremely painful.  They couldn't find a vein, and they didn't care how many tears came out of my face in regards to poking me over and over until they got blood.  I won't go into those details, but the lady was a real brute.  The took my urine from a catheter and did an ultrasound as well.  The ultrasound tech, in my opinion, should have been fired for what she did to me.  I was told that the steri strips on my c-section had to stay on... in return, she cared less and ripped them all off.  She then pushed the ultrasound wand so hard onto my scar that I was in massive amounts of tears telling her it hurt really bad and she actually pushed even harder and told me to "get over it".  She was a real charmer.  She just kept jabbing me for over 30 minutes.  After she was done, she took a towel and cleaned me up putting a tremendous amount of pressure yet again on my scar.  

A lot happened in between that I don't want to remember, so I am not going to write.  

After 6 hours of waiting at the ER to get a result I was given antibiotics and told to go home and my fever will be normal with a few days after my visit.  My result from the ER stay was I had endometritis and a small bladder infection.

Well, Friday rolled around and my grandma was here.  Unfortunately, my chills and fever came back 10000% harder and faster even with the antibiotics.  I figured it was normal.  I called Dr. Barnes and told her my fever was back.  She said it was okay and to see how the weekend went.  However, at 12:00 a.m. that night, we got a call from CMH, an urgent call at that.  I didn't answer as I had Anson.  They then called Clark.  He answered his phone.  They told him I had a staph infection and had to come back to the hospital.  Then the doctor said he would Dr. Barnes first to see what she thought I should do since it was already midnight.  Dr. Barnes said I could stay home and to monitor myself.  Well, in return, Clark hadn't been sleeping much, so I wanted to make sure that he got some rest after that phone call since we were told we could stay home.  

Of course, after Clark fell asleep I played a 3 hour game with a screaming baby of feeding, changing, etc. just trying to figure out how to get Anson to settle down.  I had gone to the bathroom around 3:30ish and passed a blood clot the size of a cd or dvd.  It scared the living daylights out of me.  I called Dr. Barnes immediately as they say that could be a sign of septic shock after a c-section.  She advised I come in.  I called my mom, who had just gotten back from Las Vegas, and asked her to take me to the hospital.  

I woke Clark up and said I was going to the hospital because of the clotting.  My mom and I got to the ER and we had my blood drawn, urine, etc. and Dr Barnes showed up very quickly after to give me a cervix exam and see my incision.  Well, my lower abdomen was hard and discolored and in a lot of pain which apparently is NOT normal.  She checked my cervix and did a cervix swab... well it came back with a kidney infection as well as E Coli!  WHO GET'S E COLI?!  

So in addition to the endometritis, staph infection, e coli in my cervic and kidney infection, I still had massive clotting.

I had 4 BACTERIAL INFECTIONS AND CLOTTING.... GREAT.  Dr. Barnes said I would have to be there for over 48 hours of antibiotics.

My mom left shortly after to get some rest.  They finally wheeled me up to the 5th floor at CMH after a couple hours of waiting.  I had been wheeled up on shift change, so I didn't get seen for a couple hours after they situated me anyways.  

The antibiotics started around 9:00 a.m. and I was just in tears from the time they moved me to my room until 9.  I missed my baby, my husband and my dogs.  I felt like my body had failed me and I was an incompetent mother since I couldn't be with my newborn.

I felt like I had failed my husband and given him all the responsibility in the world to take care of a baby, our dogs and himself.  I felt awful.  Tears rolled down my face almost ALL day.  I just kept crying.

After 12 hours of antibiotics and seeing Clark one time for a little bit while his mom watched Anson... Clark told me Cindy and Kyle were heading over to help him out for a few hours.  I felt so incredibly grateful that so many people had been helping him out.  Cindy stayed awake with Anson from 10:00 p.m. until 5:00 a.m, so that Clark could get some rest!  A huge thanks to Cindy for that!  

Sunday rolled around and Clark and his mom stopped by to see me for a little each and other than that I was just on my roll of antibiotics every 2 hours... and watched a full season of The 100 on Netflix and my hard stomach and discolored patch was starting to disappear.

Monday after 3:00 p.m. (after my last dose of antibiotics) I was discharged and finally came home.

It was an experience that has traumatized me from having any more children.  I told Clark we can't "try" to have kids anymore and just let it happen.  

Anson is a healthy, strong baby boy and I feel blessed... but the experience for me was extremely awful and traumatizing.  

There are a lot more details, but Anson is waking up and I don't have time to write anymore :) 

Welcome To The World My Baby Boy

Well, before I get into the whole labor process... let me just say that on October 14th I had my visit with Dr. Barnes and she was worried with my blood pressure being high, the extensive amount of swelling I had, and the size that Anson was that he could come soon.  She tentatively scheduled to induce me on the 20th since because of my symptoms, however, our lab work would result the final decision.  She rescheduled me for October 16th to see if my symptoms had subsided at all.  Well, once again we went to Dr. Barnes and she pretty much said that if I don't go into labor during the weekend she would be inducing me.  We walked away feeling somewhat defeated because I wanted to go in naturally.

Friday morning, I wound up going to the hospital.  From Thursday night until Friday morning, my contractions weren't releasing and my stomach was getting harder and harder as the night went on.  It made me really nervous as they weren't getting closer together and weren't releasing!  So, in return, I went to the hospital and Dr. Barnes checked me out there and... we were scheduled to be induced on Monday morning since I was having the pain, yet they couldn't induce me on Friday because I was 2 days off 39 weeks and legally, they can't induce unless it is a medical emergency.

Saturday and Sunday, I was pretty lazy and just laid around since I knew that I would be induced on Monday. So, we got settled in mostly and did some last organizing and cleaning before Anson arrived.

Monday was finally here! Clark and I were up at 5:00 a.m. And neither one of us had slept the night before from nerves and excitement. We situated the dogs before we left and headed to McDonalds... Yes, you read that correctly! I got a deluxe breakfast and woofed it down. Dr. Barnes said I could have a last meal and I wanted pancakes and figured might as well get it all. We were on our way to the hospital at 6:30 a.m. for our 7:00 a.m. check

in time.



I got to the admitting counter and since I had done the preregistration, it was simple. I went up to labor and delivery and was put into labor room 1 and the process of preparing me began. Dr. Barnes showed up at 9:00 a.m. and started me straight onto Pitocin. She said I was still at 2 cm and hadn't advanced further yet but didn't need my cervix softened. Since I tested positive for the strep b culture, I was put on antibiotics the whole time I was induced. Dr. Barnes left and said she would check back in on me at 12:00 p.m.

Debbie, my mother in law, came in shortly after with a coffee and croissant for Clark and to check in on how I was doing. Since we had just started we didn't need anything at the moment but as the day wore on, we relied on Debbie for a few things!

Well, my contractions started right away... They weren't very painful yet and Clark and I were just laughing our morning away. My day nurse was Maria and every time she came in, said "I see you are still laughing". All of the nurses seemed surprised on how well I was taking my contractions. Around 10:00 a.m. Clark and I realized we forgot our UNO cards to play! Debbie had a stack of regular deck cards in her desk which were a a lifesaver until 12:00 p.m. Dr. Barnes showed up around 12:30 and I had only progressed to 3cm.  She said for three hours it wasn't bad considering it takes much longer to get to four cm and after that the progression is quicker.  Dr. Barnes said she would see us at 5:30 p.m. next. From 1:00 p.m. 

Clark went with his mom to make a coffee... The moment they left... I had my first painful contraction. They were coming like clockwork every five minutes and then by the time Clark came back every three minutes.  Maria came in and slowed down my Pitocin since they were getting so frequent but I wasn't as dilated yet. The rest of that time until Dr. Barnes showed up was kind of a blur. The impatience had settled in and both Clark and I we're tired.

Dr. Barnes showed up around 6:00 p.m. And I had progressed to 5cm and in return she wanted to break my water. I never realized it would look like a crochet hook ha! She popped my water and boy... I didn't realize how much water would come out! I kind of jerked back in surprise and discomfort from being so wet! Dr. Barnes had to reposition my legs be ause I had so much water she didn't want it on her!! 

I REALLY started to feel my contractions after that and I asked for an epidural almost immediately.  My epidural experience should NOT deter people from getting one... but I had an experience that I am assuming most women do not!  So, I got ready to have my epidural... they cleaned my back... got me all ready and had me sit up and lean towards Clark.  Poor Clark, I bent over and a HUGE gush of water came out and got all over his feet haha!  The doctor put the needle in and said "it will feel like a bee sting"... well I don't know what type of bee stings he gets, but it was very painful.  He put it in and asked if I felt it in the middle of my back.  I said no, it was on the right.  He discarded the needle and did it again... same thing... on the right side, not the middle.  After four attempts of putting a needle in and out of me, the 5th time he just kind of "gave up" and left it in as I told him I still only felt it on the right side.  I was in so much pain and my whole body lost at least a couple pounds from the amount of sweat dripping off of me... It was awful.  So, the injection started working and my right side was completely numb and my left side was partially numb.  They told me to lay on my left side so the medicine rolled over to that side.  

The rest of the evening was a blur.  Dr. Barnes came in around 9:30 p.m. and checked my cervix... I was at 8 cm... So, we were hoping to have a baby by 2:00 a.m.!  We were so excited... yet half of my body was still numb where the other half was in pain.  So, I was giving another type of numbing medicine to help my shakes from the pain go away.  By then, Clark and I both decided to get some sleep... Poor Clark slept on the pull out sofa that was way to small for him.  He was pretty uncomfortable and so was I.  Well, after having probably 6 cervix checks from 9:00 until 2:00 a.m. I still hadn't progressed anymore than 8 cm... I was EXTREMELY disappointed!  At 3:00 a.m. Dr. Barnes came on by and said I was AT MOST 9 cm... but Anson had wiggled his way back up and he was still pretty high.  She had me push a few times to see if we could lower him... nothing...

4:00 a.m. rolls back around and Dr. Barnes comes back in and checks me.  She had me push for about 30 minutes and low and behold... Anson's head got stuck but he was still VERY high up.  She said with my pelvic bone, there was no way he could come down any farther.  She told us, "He is stuck".  I was in panic mode right then... knowing my only option was a c-section.  She told me that I could either try pushing for 30 more minutes or get an emergency c-section.  By then, I was exhausted and was on 19 hours of labor from the induction start point.  I was also in and out of being awake!

Dr. Barnes let us decide what we wanted to do... our thought, if he is stuck, there is no other way out.  We called her back in and at 4:30 I was planned for my c-section.  I had gotten a brazillian a week before, but apparently, it grew back to quickly lol, so I had to get reshaved (excuse the details).  I was taken off of the Pitocin at that point.  Well, 4:30 a.m. came around and I still hadn't been taken into surgery.  There were 16 labors that night as well, so there were 3 priorities ahead of me... I fell asleep waiting to be taken into surgery.

At 6:25 a.m. I was woken up.  Clark was given scrubs and because of Clark's height, the first one broke from being too small haha! I texted everyone I could (in a very drugged state) and apparently I missed a whole bunch of people, eventhough I could have sworn I pressed send!  I called my grandma though.  Unfortunately, it was a bad decision for me to do so... because at the end of the conversation, my grandma started crying which made me start crying and it made me panic a little bit.

I was taken out of my room and wheeled into the operating room.  I won't lie... I was absolutely terrified.  I was moved to the OR bed and they strapped my arms down like on a cross.  The curtain went up and the anethesologist came by to make sure I was ready to go.

Unfortuantely, I was NOT ready to go.  With the amount of times the first anethesologist tried to give me my epidural, he created a pocket that was unaffected by the epidural.  He took a paperclip and was seeing if I was numb all over.  I had about a 12 in gap where I was NOT numb and that was the whole reason why I was complaining in the first place of the pain.  He gave me another dose of the epidural and then he gave me a shot directly into the pocket that wasn't numb.  I remember Dr. Barnes saying how long has it been since we started set up... Someone responded 2 minutes and 45 seconds.  She said that was long enough and we were ready to begin.  I was in tears because they hadn't even let Clark into the room yet.  I thought for sure I would be facing it by myself.

Dr. Barnes started the incision and Clark walked in and sat down next to me... I could tell he was as nervous as I was.  The whole procedure went by so quickly that it was a blur.  I remember the anethesologist and Dr. Barnes telling me that there was going to be a lot of pressure from my pelvic region since he was stuck.  She said most of the time they push on your upper abodmen, but because Anson was so far stuck and down, they had to pull him back up.  I remember the pressure feeling and I remember hearing Anson cry.  I just broke down in tears once I looked at Clark.  The moment itself was amazing.  I couldn't be more thrilled to know he was out and breathing.

I thought he had the funniest cry ever.  It sounded like a laugh.  Clark had to remind me that because he was a c-section baby, he didn't have the excess liquid pushed out like with a vaginal birth.  They cleared his lungs and then his real cry came through.  Clark was over with them while everything was happening.  I thought it would be like in the movies or tv shows where they show you your baby, but I didn't see Anson at all before they wheeled him out.  I remember Dr. Barnes saying she was going to remove my cyst off of my ovary while I was open... and then I felt nauseated and I said I felt nauseated and I passed out.

I remember being wheeled into another room and I was so loopy I could barely keep my eyes, yet alone eye, open without feeling like I was so drugged.  Clark came into the room with Anson and I was desperately wanting my glasses so I could see him haha!  Debbie was also there... and they wanted me to breastfeed as soon as I saw him.  It was almost an hour and a half after he was born that he was breastfed.  Unfortunately, he had low blood sugar, so he needed a bottle after that of formula. I was having such a hard time staying alert.  I joked around because Clark's mom saw Anson before I even got too! It was just timing and she came down to check on me and wound up seeing Clark in the room with Anson!

Anson Colt Ostrander was born at 6:46 a.m. and was 9 pounds and 10 ounces and was 21.25" long.  He is perfect.  I can totally be biased since he is my baby, but he was perfect.

Shortly after, they wheeled us up to our room on the 7th floor, room 725.  I was put on leg compression and bed rest for the first full day.  I tried to breast feed as much as possible, but Anson was a HUNGRY boy and we had to supplement with formula as well.  The day went by as a blur.  Clark was holding Anson all day :) It was adorable.  Plus, he did all of the diaper changes, bottle feedings, etc.

Enjoy the pictures :)