The Things I Wish I Could Remember

Emotionally, I am exhausted. Being home alone with 2 boys 2 and under is exhausting.  Ruger is making milestones faster than I can count.  Clark is missing them and it makes me sad he will come home to a more advanced baby.  Yet, I sit here with a heavy heart writing this.  I feel guilt.  The kind of guilt a mom who has dealt with colic understands.  The guilt of not remembering anything that your baby did up until the colic disappeared.  I cannot remember anything from the time Anson was born until he was about 6 months old.  I rely heavily on the pictures and videos.  All I remember was the crying.  The ear piercing, shattering screams of my poor newborn and we had no idea what was wrong with him.  We thought we had made the worst decision of our lives having a baby.

While I sit here at 11:30 p.m., waiting for Ruger to settle, exhausted from a long day and quite honestly, a long week... I feel guilty.  I am soaking in and absorbing all of Ruger's accomplishments.  He pushed up on full arms extended right before his last bottle (right now).  While I felt excited for the coo's and ooh's back at me for the excitement, I felt guilt.  Again, I felt all of the guilt rushing to me.

Anson is quietly sleeping in his room and all I wanted to do was go grab him out of the bed and hold him.  I missed my first born's first 6 months completely.  Yes, I was recovering from my complications, but I don't remember much.  I remember the bad... and the bad only.  I remember the traumatic feeling I had looking at him thinking I wanted nothing to do with him.  I remember feeling shame that my baby was "broken".  I felt guilty for feeling so ungrateful.

As I watch Ruger grow, I try and remember desperately what Anson did.  I try to find that photo of him doing something similar.  I try and remember the good.  I try and remember what it was like having him when he had moments of quiet, but I just cannot.  Anson was a hard baby and while he is in the testing stages of his life now, I know in my heart he has made me more patient and a better mom.

I am not the most motherly, I know that.  I am not the most patient, I know that.  I am not the most stable when it comes to chaos, I know that.  But, I know in my heart that I need to take every moment with Anson that I can and grow the memories that will last a lifetime.  I will cherish every crappy moment and every amazing moment.

My boys will continue to make my heart grow and that guilt will eventually fade.  But for now, I cherish the guilt as it makes me want to be a better mother.  It opens my eyes to the fact that if things don't go right, there is always another chance.  There is more time.  There is more love that can be given.

And now, Ruger has settled... so I am off to bed :)