The Things I Wish I Could Remember

Emotionally, I am exhausted. Being home alone with 2 boys 2 and under is exhausting.  Ruger is making milestones faster than I can count.  Clark is missing them and it makes me sad he will come home to a more advanced baby.  Yet, I sit here with a heavy heart writing this.  I feel guilt.  The kind of guilt a mom who has dealt with colic understands.  The guilt of not remembering anything that your baby did up until the colic disappeared.  I cannot remember anything from the time Anson was born until he was about 6 months old.  I rely heavily on the pictures and videos.  All I remember was the crying.  The ear piercing, shattering screams of my poor newborn and we had no idea what was wrong with him.  We thought we had made the worst decision of our lives having a baby.

While I sit here at 11:30 p.m., waiting for Ruger to settle, exhausted from a long day and quite honestly, a long week... I feel guilty.  I am soaking in and absorbing all of Ruger's accomplishments.  He pushed up on full arms extended right before his last bottle (right now).  While I felt excited for the coo's and ooh's back at me for the excitement, I felt guilt.  Again, I felt all of the guilt rushing to me.

Anson is quietly sleeping in his room and all I wanted to do was go grab him out of the bed and hold him.  I missed my first born's first 6 months completely.  Yes, I was recovering from my complications, but I don't remember much.  I remember the bad... and the bad only.  I remember the traumatic feeling I had looking at him thinking I wanted nothing to do with him.  I remember feeling shame that my baby was "broken".  I felt guilty for feeling so ungrateful.

As I watch Ruger grow, I try and remember desperately what Anson did.  I try to find that photo of him doing something similar.  I try and remember the good.  I try and remember what it was like having him when he had moments of quiet, but I just cannot.  Anson was a hard baby and while he is in the testing stages of his life now, I know in my heart he has made me more patient and a better mom.

I am not the most motherly, I know that.  I am not the most patient, I know that.  I am not the most stable when it comes to chaos, I know that.  But, I know in my heart that I need to take every moment with Anson that I can and grow the memories that will last a lifetime.  I will cherish every crappy moment and every amazing moment.

My boys will continue to make my heart grow and that guilt will eventually fade.  But for now, I cherish the guilt as it makes me want to be a better mother.  It opens my eyes to the fact that if things don't go right, there is always another chance.  There is more time.  There is more love that can be given.

And now, Ruger has settled... so I am off to bed :)

The Birth of Baby Ruger John Ostrander! Our VBAC Success Story

Let me take you back to some history with Anson on why we chose our VBAC journey.  On October 20, 2014 I was admitted to the hospital for an induction with Anson.  My OB at the time thought he was too big for me to pass vaginally and this was the "best chance for me" so we agreed. I had spent about an hour on the phone with my girlfriend Katie and she kept telling me, don't induce, don't induce.  Boy, if I had listened to her, this post might be a little different.  But, I figured my doctor has to know what she is doing.  I was 38 weeks and over the moon to see our first born.  Unfortunately, things didn't go as planned and I wound up needing an "emergency cesarean".  Anson and I were both stable, but I was told that I had reached 10cm and Anson was stuck.  So, the only option we had was an emergency c-section.  Anson was born on October 21, 2014 at 6:46 a.m. at 9lbs 10 oz and 21 1/4".


10 days later on Halloween, I was readmitted to the hospital with severe sepsis. I had a uterus infection, kidney infection, staph infection, e coli and massive clotting. I was put on a week schedule of 3 rotating antibiotics every 2 hours until discharge and then sent home with 2 weeks more of antibiotics. My body was shot and I felt horrible.

Flash forward a year and my OB said I could never have kids again due to my complications. Clark and I were very unhappy about that... we couldn't help but thing, what really happened in the operating room. I was in constant pain and my periods were so heavy I couldn't help but feel "this is my life forever now"? The pity party was real. My OB said it's normal to feel that way up to 4-5 years post partum. Well, I didn't like that answer, so, I switched OBs.

I started my journey with a new OB and he was great. He ran an extensive amount of tests to see why I was having so much pain. I had the ink test in my tubes to see if there was a blockage and then thrown on clomid so he could see what my body was doing during ovulation (my most painful week of the month). Well, whatever he did... cleared up any blockage causing us to not get pregnant again. He had wanted to schedule a surgery for me to clean out all the stuff the complications had created, but called me with news that we were expecting again. We could not believe it. I think I peed on so many sticks because we could not believe it. How could one OB tell us we would never get pregnant and another OB get us pregnant unintentionally? I was told that when I have my repeat csection I'd have everything "fixed" internally. I thought that'd be a wonderful choice.

Besides telling our family, the first person I told was one of my closest girlfriends, Katie. Well, I told her by sending her an email! She is an amazing birth photographer, so I sent her an inquiry for pricing (you can see her work here)! Ha! I thought it was clever! She asked me what my plan was. I said, have a repeat csection of course. I said isn't that the only way to go? I could hear the disheartened tone in her voice and I'll never forget what she said "Krista, you have options". At first I thought, no way... they say how incredibly unsafe it is for someone to have a vaginal birth after a csection. Why? Well, I didn't have an answer other than the fact of... well that is what doctors say. We kind of left it at that. Katie knows me well enough to know I'll make up my mind for myself and it gave me time to think.

If you had asked me if I'd have a repeat csection, I'd say yes in a heartbeat. I figured, why would I go through the trial of labor again when it was so unsuccessful the first time? But, I was very scared.  I was excited we were pregnant, but scared to deliver another baby by csection and have the same complications as with Anson.  I knew plenty of people who had csections who had fantastic recoveries, but the trauma I faced is a lot different than a "routine" csection.  So, I started my journey into my VBAC.  I asked Katie COUNTLESS questions that she took the time and patience to direct me into the right direction.  I bought multiple books, read countless (100s) stories that were about successful VBACs, etc.

I asked my OB at the time if I could have a VBAC and at first he said yes without hesitation.  I had to get my report from my 1st birth to confirm it wasn't a medical need for an induction/csection.  I spent countless hours trying to obtain it from my old OBs office to finally have had to go the hospital to get it.  I received the report and thought, maybe I should read this.  I read it with tears of anger streaming down my face.  It said I had only gotten to 8cm (when my doctor had said I was 10 cm and had me pushing on and off for 3 hours) and that I had "elected for birth by cesarean".  UM NO.  WHAT?!  Who would spend 20 hours in labor to elect for a csection?  Not me!  I went into my birth with Anson thinking (dumbly) I would NEVER have a csection.  If I thought it, it meant it wouldn't happen.  I never researched anything for csections and I should have.  After reading my report I was 100x more inclined to have a VBAC.  I felt cheated out of my birth.  The emotions I felt were anger, frustration, sadness, resentment, etc.

My OB read the report and said that I could still VBAC if I was the perfect patient.  He told me that time is money and it isn't worth the cost to time.  VBACs at Los Robles, the doctor needs to be with you during your whole labor.  That could mean 2-72 hours!  He wouldn't be able to leave... which at that point, my VBAC with him started to slip through the cracks.  After 2 months of going back and forth saying I could have one, to you have a 65% chance of having one... it wasn't good enough.  I called Katie and asked her what she would do.  She told me I need to start looking for another doctor who is 100% on board or a midwife/birthing center who would fully honor my requests as the patient.  I had posted on the Moms of Camarillo about VBACs and who had great success stories and that is how I found Robyn.  She had responded to my post and from that first meeting out, I knew that this is what I had wanted.  Robyn had sent me back to my OBs office with a few questions to ask him.

1. Is there a medical reason you won't VBAC me? The response was, no there is not a medical reason, you are totally capable with a VBAC and if you want one that badly, a birth at home or birthing center would be good for you.
2. If there is not, what is the reason? The reason is the time to money with the medical malpractice insurance.
3. If I need an emergency csection, will you perform it? Absolutely.

His honesty was refreshing, but it did still make me frustrated that was how it went down. I scheduled my next appointment with Robyn and the real work began.

A few weeks later, I went down to celebrate Katie's birthday in Arizona and we talked countless hours about birth and just catching up.  She had also set me up with an AMAZING doula in Arizona to give me the lowdown on all the VBAC facts!  If you are in Arizona, check out Jenni Froment at Wisdom of Birth.  We clicked instantly and Katie sat through the whole 3 hour time with me as my "spouse" since Clark was home with Anson.  From that day forward, I knew in my heart and soul that THIS is what I am meant to do.  I never got rid of the thought of a csection because the inevitable happens.

Flash forward a few months and I hired Kati McBride (who is local to our area in Ventura County) as my doula thanks to my girlfriend's recommendation.  Clark and I had both sat down with Robyn at her birthing center and signed her contract as well.  I used Dr. Alyssa Woodall for my chiropractic needs (who is amazing)!  Our birth team was complete, or so I thought.  A few months later I had hired our birth photographer, Meghan Schade!  My pregnancy had gone by so quickly, I forgot to follow up with her and she had sent me an email asking me if I had still wanted the birth photography and I was incredibly lucky that she had still be willing to do it with such last minute notice.

I spent countless hours hypnobirthing and trying to rid any fears I had of my VBAC.  My VBAC was unmedicated and all natural. I spent countless hours preparing myself mentally.  I was nervous that it would be a pain med free birth.  I remember how I felt when my OB popped my water and the contractions how strong and hard they came on and I wasn't sure if I'd be strong enough to handle them.  Jenni, Katie, Kati, and Robyn said it is ALL mental.  If you clear your head of the fear of "what if's" and let your body do it's thing you will be fine.  I kept having to remind myself, it will only last a minute.  Then you will have a break.  I ate 6 dates a day for 5 weeks to help induce me naturally.  I went to my chiropractor often to make sure my body was in alignment.  I did a lot of work to prepare for this VBAC. 

Well, I spent 3 weeks in prodromal labor.  My contractions would start around 7pm to 2am and it felt like I was ABOUT to start labor every single time.  The worst part was that I felt like I was crying wolf.  It wasn't like a hospital birth.  I had to alert Robyn, Kati and Meghan each time I thought that something was going on because they were on call for me.  I had my membranes sweeped 3 times to see if we could get real labor contractions going.  My body was just saying, it's not time.  I remember talking to Jenni in tears almost saying, WHY does this have to be happening.  I felt so mentally and physically exhausted and an emotional wreck with it messing with my mind. Luckily, I had my Hypnobabies Pregnancy & Birth and VBAC Success tracks to calm me down. I had to keep reminding myself that the more I stay calm and in the moment, the better off I would be.

I spent a lot of time talking to my birth team.  I did have some self doubts around the 3 week mark of the prodromal labor.  I kept thinking, can my body really do this?  Did I set myself up for failure?  Why is this happening?  Well, Kati and Jenni both told me, my body is gearing itself up for labor.  It's progress, slow, but progress.  Shortly after the 2nd sweep, I lost my mucus plug.  Then, I started having the bloody show.  I was 4-5cm dilated with a soft cervix and Ruger was at 0 station.  I kept thinking... this is NEVER going to end.  I didn't believe them until my labor hit.

I worked up to my 39w3d mark.  After that, I went onto leave. MY WHOLE BIRTH TEAM told me I needed to start resting.  I was getting adjusted by my chiropractor 3x a week which did really help the pain as well and helped my body relax.  So, after a night of what we thought was real labor, pure exhaustion and still having contractions Clark took off work to be with me.  We went to breakfast and a movie to see if I could "ignore" the pain of the contractions.  Well, halfway through the movie, they stopped completely.

On Sunday night, Robyn had told me to relax and try and get some sleep since my sleep had been hit or miss due to the prodromal labor.  I popped a unisom and went to bed around 10 p.m.  On March 6, 2017, I woke up at midnight with an INSANE amount of low back pain.  2 minutes later, Anson woke up screaming.  Clark went in to check on him and quietted him back up.  I had texted Kati first telling her, my back is absolutely killing me... I think I am in labor, should I call Robyn?  She told me I know my body best and if I felt like I was in labor to call and let her know what Robyn said.  I called Robyn about 30 minutes after my low back pain had started and my contractions were 2-4 minutes apart lasting 45 seconds to a minute.  I asked her are 10 contractions in 30 minutes normal?  She said, roll on in and we can check you out.  So, I called Meghan back first, since she was like us she was the farthest from the birth center, and told her I was going in.  At first, I told her to wait to hear what Robyn said so I didn't make her drive out there for nothing and she said she would just meet us there asap because she didn't want to miss my labor in case things started happening quickly.  I had texted Kati telling her I was going in and she told me she'd meet me there at 1 a.m.

The car ride sucked.  For 30 minutes in the car, I felt like I was going to die... I couldn't get upbeat music playing to keep my mind off of the contractions and I kept yelling at Clark to hurry up!  Poor guy!  I snapped at him a few times because I thought I would break off my door handle from clutching it so hard and he was "interrupting my thought process".  We finally got there and I could tell... THIS WAS IT.  My whole birth team was there and I couldn't feel more confident in myself.

Robyn checked me and I was 5-6 cm dilated.  She said, this is it and to get ready.

I won't lie... my whole process was a BLUR.  It went by so quickly.  I remember getting undressed into my undies and cami and having to pee like it was going out of style.  I remember sitting on the birth ball and Kati rubbing my back.  I remember Robyn asking me if I wanted to hop into the tub.  I said yes.  The tub was amazing.  It was so warm and it did really help my pain.  I remember having to kneel every time I had a contraction and in  my head, I was screaming bloody murder but Clark had said I was really quiet with just the moaning/groaning to get me through my contractions.  Between Clark and Kati constantly putting pressure on my back, and holding me, it really helped.  4 hours went by and I am pretty sure I spent most of them in the tub.  I remember Clark telling me, you are going to be so pruney when you get out.  Thanks babe... I remember going through my transition phase in the tub with what felt like no break in my contractions and they never seemed to end.  I know for a fact the thought of a csection crossed my mind once or twice during the transition phase.

I remember the 2nd midwife coming in, Melissa.  I couldn't help but think... Did Robyn check me in the tub?  I don't remember.  I remember her telling me she calls her 2nd midwife when I am between 9-10 cm.  Robyn then came over and asked me if I wanted to be checked.  I said yes.  I got out of the tub and went over to the bed.  She said, your cervix is gone.  By then, I was partially delusional and remember saying "is that a bad thing?" She said it was really good, but my bag of waters was really there and she wanted it to pop on it's own.  She had me go over to the bathroom to sit on the toilet to see if gravity would work.  I was hopeful my water would break naturally, but after 20-30 minutes it felt like nothing was progressing and I asked her to break my water.

Robyn did and said it was a great decision for us to make... I was ready to start pushing.  I could immediately feel the difference after my water broke.  I remember pushing at first and couldn't help but feel like "this is going no where" and "I am so exhausted already".  I had to really be in tune with the hypnobirthing process that I spent months preparing with. I remember getting on hands and knees, on my side, and finally on my back.  Robyn had Kati and Clark hold each of my legs to push.  I kept getting charlie horses in my calves all the way up to my hip on my right leg.  Kati was constantly massaging out the kinks.  I asked how much longer sometime in between then.  I felt like I had gone through a triathlon and didn't have any more energy in me. Robyn had said the average pushing time for first time moms was about 3 hours. I asked how long I had been pushing and she said a little over an hour.  Something in me clicked.  I could NOT keep pushing for 2 more hours.  I felt the affirmations rising in me. My body felt shot and I didn't want this to be a failed VBAC attempt. I started pushing during my next contraction and I remember thinking "Am I breathing?"  I couldn't tell if I was or not.  Shortly after, I remember Robyn saying his head is right there.  One more good push.  Well, one more good push turned into about 10-12 pushes!  But, it gave me enough time to stretch out!  Robyn had asked me multiple times if I wanted to see or touch Ruger, but the only thing I could think of was... that is too much energy to look or even reach to touch.  Robyn then told me, one more big push and my little man came through.  She told me to slow down because the cord was loosely around Ruger's neck (from what Clark said) so she could pull off the cord and then out he came!  What an experience!  I remember just thinking, WE DID IT!!  Clark kept telling me "you did it" but I kept correcting him.  I would have never been able to do this without the support of everyone who was apart of my birth team and my friends and family.  I had a lot of naysayer's who were constantly putting bad thoughts into my head saying "you can't do it" or "I think the doctor is smarter than you are", etc.  Well, I did it... we did it!

Ruger was being worked on and I couldn't even cry I was so exhausted but I couldn't help but feel a beam of excitement knowing that our baby boy had entered into the world.  I looked at Clark and he was crying.  He was crying for the both of us.  The feeling of accomplishment and the fact that I could do it naturally gave me a sense of pride I have never felt.  I remember Robyn and Melissa saying Ruger had to have been over 10 lbs and to our surprise he was 9lbs 14 oz and 22" long.  He was larger than Anson and I had him vaginally.  I was able to pass that large of a baby without any issues.

I've read that a VBAC is incredibly healing.  I didn't feel incredibly healed.  Anson's and Ruger's briths were both very different.  What I take from Anson's is the strength it gave me to try for Ruger's VBAC.  It gave me the strength to educate myself.  It gave me the strength to persevere when everyone said I couldn't do it.  It gave me the strength to find my own voice.  It gave me a choice. A choice I never thought would be possible.

For anyone looking for an amazing birth team in Ventura County, California, they are as follows (you can click their names)

Robyn Pool, my midwife, and her amazing birth center, PUSH Midwifery

Kati McBride, my doula

Meghan Schade, my photographer

Dr. Alyssa Woodall, my chiropractor, whom I spent 2-3 times weekly at her office making sure my body was in proper alignment.

For my friends in Arizona and are looking for an amazing photographer and doula, they are as follows:

Katie Mathis, Katie Mathis Photography

Jenni Froment at Wisdom of Birth, doula

Close to the End

It's hard to believe that on Monday, I will be 37 weeks. It has been an incredibly fast pregnancy and pretty easy compared to Anson's. While I have headaches, hip and back pain... overall, I am feeling pretty darn good this time around. I have gained 32 pounds this time around (which sure beats 80 pounds) and overall less bloating.

I am so much closer to my VBAC and my nerves are starting to kick in. Will I know when I am in labor? Without any pain management, am I going to be okay? While, I have educated myself A LOT this time around, I still am a little nervous and excited since I have never been through this before. I was induced with Anson before I had even started labor and had an epidural right after my water broke. The most pain I felt was from my left side not being affected by the epidural and got a shot to help my shaking. I honestly had more pain after due to my complications from what I can remember.

I was looking back at all of the blog posts I had written about Anson and it made me incredibly sad to see that I was so detailed with our doctor's appointments, measurements, etc... and Ruger only has 1 post before this. When I went to look back at Anson's sizing, I realized... this is where I go to look back and see how big he was, what his status was, etc.

I went to my ultrasound on Tuesday and Ruger was weighing in at 7lbs 1oz and 37 weeks and 3 days. I am currently 36 weeks and 4 days (so about a week bigger). I am excited to meet him. I can't wait to see what he looks like. I am nervous to see how Anson reacts to him. He will have that infamous only child syndrome taken away. I am nervous about his tantrums and fits because he isn't being solely focused on. So much I am worrying more about Anson than I am about my own birth. That is normal, right?!

I plan on blogging every week until this little man is born. While I couldn't keep up the first 36 months... I promise to be faithful in keeping up the last few weeks my love.